It’s not just in my head

I’m on edge again – and I think, I’m going crazy. Well… no, I’m not. Since I’ve been diagnosed with social anxiety and depression, I started to understand myself a bit more. I know the difference of being sad and being sad, meaning depressed. I know when I’m just worried and when I’m anxious as fuck. I know when it’s just “in my head” and I know when it is not. This time it is not.

I managed to find a new house-share and have been living here for more than a week now. I’ve paid the deposit and first months rent – I didn’t pay the last rent of my previous place (this is another story though). However moving is tough. I literally have no money at the moment until the end of the month. Thankfully the rent includes all the bills plus council tax, otherwise I would be dying. The only bills that are killing me at the moment are these small ones (Netflix, Apple Music and my gym membership) and another bill that I have to pay until the end of the year. So I did what I always do when I’m in need:

I ask my parents and my sister.

I’ve messaged my sister last Tuesday, asking her if she could help me out a bit. The thing is that I have to bank accounts: one in Germany and one in the U.K. One bill has to be paid from the German account while everything else is on the English one. I explained everything to my sister in a long and detailed message about how to send me everything. Saturday night I’ve talk to my dad saying that I needed money for the German bank account. In short:

I needed £50 from my sister on the UK account and 15€ from my dad on the German account.

During the week my sister kept saying being busy since she and my parents had to go visit my aunt since it was her betrothal (which no one told me that it was happening this weekend). So I’ve been waiting and waiting and waiting. I hate being the one that it’s nagging and asking and begging but at this point I’m actually desperate. When I messaged my dad on Saturday he said that he was going to do it, without any hesitation, which I love about him. However, my sister just ruined everything. My dad told her, that he was just about to send me the 15€ and she said that I probably need more and that they (her included) should just send me 50. Now, technically that sounds good, but it’s not. Because they send me the 50£ on the UK account but not the 15 that I need. What I’m trying to say is that my sister just fucked me over. It is already a hassle to convert the currencies but if your family is not listening to you it just makes everything harder.

I might be overreacting (no I’m not), but just last month, my sister needed money and I’ve sent it to her the very next day. My issue is not even that I have to send her money. My issue is that whenever it comes to me, things go SO SLOW or don’t even happen. Whenever I need something from her, I have to wait, be patient and work around her schedule. However, when she needed help, she would message me while at work, while at the gym, in the middle of the night. Again, maybe I’m exaggerating (I’m definitely not) but with each favour I seem to ask my sister I feel more and more like that. With literally everything. She can’t message me early enough to tell me when she’s coming to visit me although she knows that I have to book the days off – I can’t work everyday for eight hours while she’s here. What she can do is telling me to hurry up, when she wants to book, cause the prices might go high again. When I don’t reply or react to a specific thing she would tell me off, but then she ignores most of my messages or voice messages. It’s always like this and it will probably stay like this.

After I moved to the UK my sister came up to me saying that she understands me more – about who I am and what I am, what I like and dislike. Personally, as for now, I don’t really think that she does and that she cares. Sure, we all have to be independent and take care of ourselves, but I only ask if I don’t have any solution. I’m fine with eating one meal a day, just to make it until payday and have enough money to go for dinner my friends on my birthday, which is this Wednesday (I will literally just have one main and tap water, ahahaha), I just want this bills to be paid. That’s it. I’ve already accepted the fact that at the end of my birthday, I’ll crawl into my bed and start crying because life is always testing me.
The other day I was joking with someone from work, saying that whenever something good in my life happens it’s followed by some kind of disaster. He advised not to think about the good stuff, just to acknowledge it and move on. BUT here we are now, having this convoluted situation (that’s a new word I’ve learned this week).
Here is a positive thing though: I’ve got a pay-rise from work, so starting next month I should be fine?

Goooooooooooood, I’m just so tired of everything, because I KNOW, this is not just in my head. It’s like I’m constantly fighting Angelica Pickles. You know, the worst thing about mental illnesses is the part where the reality in your head correlates with what happens in the real world. If my head already tells me that I’m shit and that no one cares and then it happens in the real world… This is just so unfair.

I’ll catch you later,

Miiesche ♡



8 thoughts on “It’s not just in my head

  1. Ugh I hate all these feels. Something I heard this morning helped me re-shape my whole day. Everything is temporary. From our thoughts to our feelings, to our stressors and even money griefs. I get sooo stressed over money, but I realize, the worst case scenario and how I can work through it, to realize that everything is fixable and how fast it can change. Much love, girl.

    Liked by 1 person

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