Soulstriptease 52 Hz

This is not really a “Night thoughts” post but just a blog post I’m writing during night-time… while writing my thoughts down, chrm. Anyway this will be a mixture of some life updates and some random thoughts that I had in the past couple days now. For once I don’t really want to talk about my mental health or what’s been stressing me out these days and made me almost want to quit and peace for out of everything. Nope. We’re not talking about that tonight. It’s even worse. This time we’re talking about friends. Again.
A while back I wrote a blogpost about my problems or issues with friends or the term “friends” if you want. Today that feeling hit me kind of hard again, while talking to another friend on discord. Now for the record I don’t mean that person made me feel bad but after talking to them I felt like writing the blog post – so, here we go.

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Remember when I talked about how you have school-friends and work-friends and all the other friends from some sort of organisation that “forces” you to get along? I probably didn’t word it exactly like that but you know what I mean. Well, after talking to my dad about my friends I came to the realisation that most of my failed friendships – because that’s what it is at this point – were with friends from school or Highschool or college or whatever you want to call it. It’s just at uni where I knew that I wouldn’t be friends with these people; just acquaintances. Even at work most of the people are 100% people I work with or get along with. We could go out for a drink or two and I get invited to social events (some birthdays and stuff). However, I know that I’d call none of these people if I had some sort of emergency or even unnecessary drama. I don’t have a friend that I can randomly message in the middle of the night or during the day to help me with – I don’t know – boys, clothes, makeup, shopping, games, spontaneous adventures. There is no best girlfriend or even boyfriend I could text or call now and talk about ghosts, sex, aliens or the fact that Scooby-Doo tried to show us that villains are always people that we know and not random strangers! I don’t have someone I could have a random sleepover with (and yes ma’am I’d totally do that at my age. Literally Netflix and chill not what you and your pervy mind are thinking) and talk about how millennials suck at life. Fuck, I had a massive spider in my room yesterday and had no one to call, just to be dramatic or send pictures to.

I guess what I’m just trying to say is that I don’t have that partner in crime. Should someone ask me right now who I’d go on holiday with I wouldn’t know who to name. My sister? She has her own life and friends. Don’t even start with bridesmaid or something like that. No fucking clue. I’m totally lost on that one. I always seem to be the buddy or sidekick type of person. You know, she’s there but not really important, if that makes sense. Now people say that you have to go out more and meet people and eventually you’ll find someone. Ha. Don’t you need some other people to go out with in the first place? It’s not like I could go out just like this and talk to random people.

For some reason I’m unable to keep friendships alive for a long time till the other person gets tired of me or we just growth apart. I’m not even denying the fact that I’m bad at keeping contact but I could leave social media unattended and not messaging anyone on iMessage or WhatsApp for a week and no one would text me and ask if I’m still alive. For example if I had a best friend here in the UK I would totally ask them if we could just move in together for the time being, so that I wouldn’t have the hassle to have to find a new place because my landlord is kicking me out so that his friend can move in.

My intentions might be a bit selfish but I honestly believe that my life would be better if I had at least one good friend or best friend that I could rely on – for like everything in life. I get jealous when people talk about their best friends or get messages from their best friends since it makes me feel more like the outcast that I already am. I have no best friend back in Germany and I have no one here as well. Sure there are a lot of things that you can do on your own and don’t need anybody for but I believe that human beings need social interaction or at least this one person they can rely and lean on when they need to. A lot of things would be easier, I think. Sure, there are loads of things that I’m not missing out on because I don’t have close friends, meaning that I don’t get involved in potential drama but everybody needs a friend, right? The thing with adulthood is that it becomes harder and harder to make new friendships or meet new people, due to work and other responsibilities that we have in life. Also I’m not very keen on staying up late just to meet new people at 2 a.m.

So I don’t really know what I would’ve to change or what the initial problem is. I know that I lost some friendships due to moving or changing schools but that can’t be it, right? Oh well, it’s not like I’m asking for any advice or begging for friends but if you let me know your thoughts or anything, that would be appreciated.

As for now I’m staying Miiesche 52 Hertz.

I’ll catch you later,

Miiesche ♡

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