Hello everyone, my name is Miiesche
and this might be my last blog post.
Just imagine me having to say that. Don’t you worry. I would never do this without some sort of pre-warning. As for now, I do need this blog even though I haven’t been posting here for a good while. Now, I could give a bunch of excuses and defend myself for not being as active as I want to be… or I just don’t.
Honestly, guys, people are just busy. I was busy and technically still am busy – well, I should. I’m working full-time and should work on my dissertation. Every. Single. Day. However, procrastination and depression are taking the better out of me. The last couple months have been awful, to the point where the tiniest thing would make me cry. There were so many times, where I opened my blog and a word page to start writing but just could not find the energy to do it.
I wonder how much longer I can go around and pretend that I’m alright or just tired, when I’m fully aware of my depression. Every day, I go to work and smile and pretend that everything is alright and that I’m fine. Needless to say, that everyone who has a clue of what’s going on or has been reading my blog for a while knows about my mental health issues and the fact that I was diagnosed with severe social anxiety and severe depression (if you did not… congratulations, now you know) and that I went to therapy because of that. It was a free service consisting of 12 sessions, which I deemed helpful, as I learned to understand myself and cope with various issues. I’m not hiding in my room anymore as soon as there are strangers in the house. However, this post would not exist if everything would be perfect, right? I mean, Soulstriptease only exists because of me, my mental health issues and me trying to deal with life. So here we go again: Miiesche has problems, because of course she has.
In the last two weeks, I broke down twice at works. As someone who normally holds back her tears until I’m home and can let it all out (as long as I’m sure that no one else is at home), this is a very unusual thing for me to do. Especially because a ton of people witnessed it, which results in me now avoiding them because it makes everything awkward and the neighbourhood in my head is starting the whole shit-talking and gossiping again. It is frustrating.
Here I was, thinking that I would feel better after a dozen therapy sessions, but no ma’am. Fortuna had different plan, which I did certainly not consent to. Everything is just getting too much and stressing me out. I have the endless fear that something bad might just happen and my life will fall apart, without me being able to do it. I cry every other day, for no specific reason. I’m tired as soon as I leave the house but can’t NOT go to any social events or NOT meeting friends, because this would be too obvious. It’s already freaking me out when people notice that I did not laugh or was very quiet – I usually reply by saying that I’m not a loud person in the first place and that this is just who I was, but apparently this is not right! So when people say, that I’m quiet, I force myself to talk more and be happy-go-lucky, hugging everyone and jumping around. Which is (you guessed it, fellow introverts) exhausting as hell and to be fair, I don’t know how long I’ll be able to keep this up.
Now every normal person (or not me) would think that the answer is obvious, right? I should just get my shit together, right? No matter how. Talk to someone, get a therapist and everything will go from there. It is not that I don’t know what to do and how to get help. My problem is that I’m already overwhelmed with everything else, that looking for a therapist would just be an additional task, that I somehow have to overcome and that not even including the sessions. If I don’t do it, I’ll end up having very dark thoughts again, which is unwanted.
So now I’m stuck. Funny, right? I was the one having this amazing post about telling people that we should get our shit together and overcome everything, because it is just another chapter in life, which will end eventually. It would be AWESOME if I could say this for myself now, instead of whining around and spam my blog with problems, again. There are other more serious things going on in this world, but I am complaining because I don’t know what to do and feel somehow hopeless. Oh well…
At least I have some sort of plan. First of all, I have to finish that dissertation and then consult a therapist, again. I hope this time I’ll be able to stick around longer and get some lasting help to help myself, because in the end it all comes to me, right? And I don’t want to go back to where I was…
I’ll catch you later,