It has been a while since I had one of those days, where you wake up and immediately now, that it’s going to be a bad day. Like not a really bad day, but I knew the day wouldn’t be perfect. Saturday was one of those days. As soon as I woke up for work, I felt this immense weight on my chest and shoulders. »Oh great. Here we are again. How fun will work be today then? I reckon today will be just fun-fucking-tastic.«, were my exact thoughts and to be fair the day just went exactly as I expected – this is me dropping some pixie dust; remember that! First of all, I stayed in bed until I was almost late to get ready, which left me with no choice than going to work barefaced and without having breakfast. Not that I really care about going to work without any make-up but being barefaced with the depression smiling on your face, is not a good combination. Eventually at work I got approached by various people asking me if I was alright because I looked sad or tired or not happy or not really myself. I’m not at the point yet, where I am able to tell EVERYONE about my depression. In fact, I do believe that people should not run around and tell everyone about their mental illness. In my post Mental Illness As A Shield, I already explained that I got accused to use my mental illness as a way to protect myself and as an excuse for my behaviour. I don’t want people to think that AGAIN. Also, it doesn’t look sincere if people with supposed mental illnesses run around and tell everyone about it. Before I got diagnosed with my mental health issues, I only told people that I was shy, introverted and anxious, which is not even a lie. However, to this day I feel like I would annoy people when I talk about me or about it. Eventually, I felt obligated to tell one of my managers about it; that I had one of those days.
»So what do you have to look forward to, then?«
To be honest I felt really surprised by that question, since I’ve never ever, EVER had someone asking me about what I am looking forward to, in times when my depression is having the best of me. And that is the point I’m trying to tell you and myself in this blog. When depression hits, it hits hard and very hard. It doesn’t care about what will happen or can happen. When depression hits, I have these very dark thoughts, that I normally try to hide. There is no room for positivity or nice thoughts. Which is why I can’t think of anything that would make me happy, when I am at this point. Depression doesn’t let you do it unless you are forced to. I felt forced to think about something positive to look forward to, because I was asked to, and a response was awaited. So, there I was and started to think and to talk. To be fair, I had some stuff to look forward to. I’m moving out on Thursday; out of this flat into a nice place with view on the sea, in a nice and calm area (and working fucking WiFi). Also, on that Saturday I was going to a birthday party, which I was kinda looking forward to. I l know, right? Me as a social awkward human being, looking forward of going to a party? Unheard of. The weird thing about my social anxiety is that I want to be involved and socialize with other people, but am too scared of it at the same time. It was no surprise that I hesitated reaaaaally long before joining the others at the bar. And when I did, there was pixie dust.
You know what my depression didn’t tell me?
- People at work DID care about me when they saw that I was down and try to cheer me up. One of them by playing the ABBA Playlist and singing and dancing to it
- I got loads of hugs and energy
- People wanted me to come to the birthday party and to be honest I did. It turned out to be a memorable night for me in many cases (I might even write a blog post about this later)
- I would enjoy myself and become a highschool/teenage-girl again; in a positive way of course, not the annoying type
- I got tipsy and started to come out of my shell, which was only possible because people made me feel comfortable
Listen guys. Depression is a nasty thing and it tries to bring you down. Mine made me feel like the day would never end, that it would be a horrible day that could potentially last for a long time. This wasn’t the case. Of course, depression will never tell you something nice and won’t allow you to have some nice thoughts. You know what? I would argue that this is okay. It is alright. Sometimes we have bad days, weeks or even months. That’s fine, trust me. On those days it’ll feel that nothing will go right, and nothing could possible help you out that hole. But you know what? It’s the small things that count. Even the really small things. Like I’m really looking forward to move-out of my current flat, because of small things like the WiFi connection. For other people it might be nothing, but for me it’s different. There is always something to look forward to; something that’ll make you happy. Always. You just gotta find it.
Some days you just have to create your own sunshine.